I would love for my partner to be there (Picture: Getty)
Wedding planner and venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, no matter how big or small, in a weekly agony aunt column.
Dear Alison,
My brother is getting married next year and while I’m incredibly happy for him, I’m also pretty miffed.
I wasn’t expecting to be the best man, so I wasn’t too annoyed when he didn’t ask me.
I wasn’t even bothered when he didn’t ask me to be a groomsman or usher – even though the bride has made my sister a bridesmaid.
I get it, we’re close but he has closer friends, it’s fine.
But what has rubbed me the wrong way is that he hasn’t given me a plus one, even though I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months and the relationship is really serious, with plans to move in together.
I asked him about it and he tried to justify his decision by saying they’re low on space so no one is having a plus one, and that he hasn’t met my boyfriend.
Obviously I don’t want to kick off – but I’m his brother!
I don’t see why he can’t make an exception for me considering the rest of our family have roles in the wedding. Without my boyfriend I’m just going to be sitting on my own most of the day twiddling my thumbs. I would love for my partner to be there.
How can I change my brother’s mind before the big day?
Alex
Do you have a wedding problem you need some advice on?
Weddings are joyful occasions – but they’re also incredibly stressful. Whether you’re a bride or groom, best woman or man, family member or friend of the couple, the run up to the big day can be very tense.
If you need a bit of help with your quandary, Alison, who has run a venue for 10 years and helps couples plan weddings, is here to offer a helping hand.
Email [email protected] to share your issue anonymously with Alison and get it solved.
Dear Alex
It’s understandable that you feel disheartened that your partner isn’t invited to the wedding, especially since you are about to move in together.
But your brother and his wife-to-be have a lot of big decisions to make.
Their stance on plus ones may be due to one of a number of reasons, including space limitations at the venue or even budget constraints, especially during the current cost of living crisis.
Adding a plus one for you may mean they would have to add a plus one for some other guests, which would increase their expenses significantly.
You should approach the situation with sensitivity and without adding undue stress to your brother and his partner.
Arrange to meet up with your brother to discuss how you feel.
However, it is important to mention that you should not go into the discussion with the attitude that you have to change your brother’s mind or be forceful.
Create the opportunity to express your feelings, but ultimately allow your brother to decide. Couples should feel free from pressure to please everyone when they are planning their wedding.
Share your feelings openly yet respectfully – wedding planning can be a logistical puzzle and constraints are challenging.
Your brother and his wife-to-be have a lot of big decisions to make (Picture: AKP Branding Stories)
Express how much it would mean to have your boyfriend accompany you to his wedding, not just as a plus one but as someone who is becoming an integral part of your life.
Highlight the emotional significance of having him there to share your family’s special event.
You should also be prepared to try and find potential compromises or solutions with him.
Ask if they can accommodate one more guest, even if it means adjusting seating or considering alternative arrangements.
If budget or space constraints are a genuine concern, you could assist by offering to cover any additional costs incurred by having an extra guest.
Or, if space during the wedding day means your brother and his partner cannot adjust their numbers, could your partner fill any space created by a last-minute cancellation? It is not uncommon for a couple to receive random last-minute drop outs.
Alternatively, your partner could attend for the evening part of the wedding day, which I know is a popular option to accommodate more guests and couples they may not be able to invite to the whole event.
Evening guests are significantly cheaper if budget constraints are an issue and it would mean your partner would be there for some of the wedding and could still share the moment with you.
As you mentioned, your partner has yet to meet your brother, so why not arrange a dinner for the two of them, and his fiancee, to meet. This will not only strengthen your relationship as a couple but be easier for your brother to put a face to the name.
With all this being said, remember that, while it is natural to want your partner by your side, you should focus on the joy of celebrating your brother’s union and the opportunity to bond with family members.
If your brother remains firm on the decision due to space constraints or other reasons, try not to let it dampen your spirits for the wedding.
While it might be challenging, maintaining an understanding attitude can help ease the tension.
It’s vital to remember that your attendance at the wedding will be valuable and meaningful to your brother.
Although unforeseen constraints might limit what is possible, always remember that your brother’s love and appreciation for you go beyond one event.
Regardless of the outcome, I wish you a wonderful time at the wedding.
Best wishes,
Alison
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Focus on the joy of celebrating your brother’s union.