I’d be more concerned if they weren’t pictured looking tense (Picture: BACKGRID)
‘I really hate you sometimes.’
Alongside ‘I love you’, of course, those words are used fairly frequently in my marriage – and usually accompanied by laughter at how ridiculous the concept of love is.
Because, honestly, sometimes I despise my husband. I really do, albeit fleetingly, and he hates me – though he has the patience of a saint.
Marriage is built both on love and brief moments of pure, unadulterated hatred – which is why I’m so confused about people being bothered by Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s so-called ‘fraught’ moments (which, to be honest, might just be badly-timed pap shots).
But as long as the fairly newly-married couple aren’t hurting each other, both physically and mentally, it’s totally natural in a marriage – or indeed any relationship.
In fact, I’d be more concerned if they weren’t pictured looking tense.
Humans naturally clash. In my marriage, I’m messy, while my husband is neat. I’m emotional, reckless and impatient, while he’s logical, thoughtful and calm.
We’re complete opposites, and we’ve had to make compromises on how we both live and exist together, but we make it work. We do it because we love each other, and enjoy spending time together.
Because we’re soulmates.
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Only, sometimes, levels of tension and annoyance can get high, and there’s friction with our different personalities. I’ve definitely slammed a few doors with frustration over the years, or taken myself out for a fast walk where I loudly make: ‘URGH!’ noises.
I couldn’t tell you what over, it’s usually small, stupid things like the chores, indecision or even boredom – but we always make up with each other after an hour or so of seething.
In my eyes, it makes our marriage stronger and I’m proud of us for being so adult about it – even if I’m in frustrated tears over something stupid, like the washing up.
Emmie and her husband Jethro (Picture: Forget Me Knot Images)
Take J-Lo and Affleck, for example. Tongues first started wagging after their so-called ‘steely’ exchange during this year’s Grammys – after apparently swapping some tense words with each other while cameras were rolling, with lip-readers claiming J-Lo told her husband to look ‘more friendly’ and ‘motivated’.
Affleck has revealed that the pair were joking with each other, before they realised they were being filmed. ‘[It’s a] husband and wife thing’ he said afterwards in an interview.
Similarly, at this month’s premiere for J-Lo’s movie, The Mother, the pair were seen gesticulating (god forbid!) at each other – pointing at where to stand, before swapping Hollywood smiles and sweet kisses.
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And, last Monday, Affleck appeared to ‘slam’ the car door on his wife after the pair went on a coffee run – with ‘fans’ on Twitter claiming he looked ‘stressed’ and ‘miserable’ after emphasising the firm shut with a hand gesture.
Well… so what?
What fans didn’t mention is that he actually opened – and closed – the door for his wife. A clear, chivalrous sign of respect, love and attention.
To me, if anything, these so-called ‘tense’ exchanges are a natural indicator of deep respect and trust for each other. That they trust each other enough to share and reveal how they’re really feeling.
That they aren’t afraid of conflict as they know they’re strong enough to work it out, together.
If you ignore conflict – big or small – it only makes things worse (Picture: Emmie Harrison-West)
Anyway, wouldn’t you feel tense if you couldn’t even go out for a coffee with your other half without someone picking apart your face, hand gestures, or the way you close a door?
When it comes to my husband and I, we don’t avoid difficult conversations, and open up with each other freely. Wherever we are, we’re not afraid to talk about what’s on our mind, and have a greater, more genuine trust and respect for one another as a result – even if that means using a few door slams, or wild gesticulations along the way.
Plus, if you ignore conflict – big or small – it only makes things worse. To leave your annoyance to stew means that it bubbles up beyond recognition, becoming toxic and unmanageable. It’s why my husband and I have vowed never to sleep on an argument – and to talk it out, instead.
Being a human is messy, complex and complicated – so when you hole two up together to eat, sleep, live and breathe in a confined space, there’s bound to be some friction.
I’m only thankful there’s no cameras added to the mix, filming every second, desperate to make an apparent ‘fraught’ moment global news.
It’s OK to resent each other, albeit briefly. To stiffen up like J-Lo on the Grammys front row when your husband perhaps says something you disagree with.
Yes, their wedding day was years in the making. Yes, they looked beautiful. Happy. Perfect. But, soon, the reality of marriage always sinks in – and it’s a wild, chaotic ride that makes the tense moments worth it.
The sign of a good marriage isn’t the fact that you can hate each other, that’s pretty easy – but it’s the fact that you can talk about what makes you feel that way.
Marriage is certainly not all sunshine and rainbows, that’s for sure – but with no rain comes no flowers.
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To me, if anything, these so-called ‘tense’ exchanges are a natural indicator of deep respect and trust for each other.
