I’m with a man twice my age — he says he’s divorced but I’m suspicious

The reader thinks she could be in a controlling relationship (Picture: Getty)

When you’re young and in love, it’s hard to believe your partner has any faults – but eventually, the rose-tinted glasses slip.

This week, we hear from a reader who fell for a much older guy when she was just a teenager, but now, she’s starting to realise just how unhealthy the relationship really is.

From cutting her off from her sister, to ensuring she knows how to cook his favourite dishes, the signs are sinister – but she needs some help understanding what’s really going on.

Before you go, read last week’s dilemma, where a man hooked up with his best friend’s girlfriend – but now he can’t stop thinking about her.

The problem…

My lover is nearly twice my age – I’m 20, he’s in his late 30s. We met three years ago in a café where I worked at weekends, and I fell for him straight away. He says he’s divorced, but I’ve never been to his place, which makes me suspicious.

For the last two years I’ve had my own flat, and he stays a couple of times a week. I can’t complain because he helps with the rent and bills and buys my groceries. Although I was a hopeless cook when I met him, he taught me how to prepare his favourite meals and I feel like I’ve grown up a lot since I’ve known him.

However, he regularly checks my phone and looks on my laptop to see which sites I’ve visited, which I find really annoying. He doesn’t like any of my friends, and although I used to be close to my sister, he detests her, calling her a jealous cow, and says I shouldn’t have anything to do with her.

I’ve read a lot about controlling relationships and the way he acts seems to fit the bill (although I must stress, he isn’t violent). Recently I decided I’d had enough and tried to finish with him, but he started crying and says he loves me too much to let me go.

Sex is great and he’s a nice enough person, but I feel the time has come to be with someone of my own age. I just don’t know how to get away from him.

Laura says…

You’re right to suspect you’re in a controlling relationship, and the sooner you get out, the better. Meeting you at such a young age is perfect for someone like your boyfriend. He has effectively groomed you, even buying your groceries and telling you what to cook, while disguising his controlling behaviours as helpful deeds.

Strengthen the ties he’s tried to cut with your sister, or other close friends. You need the support of people who can help you through the process of breaking away from him. Could someone stay with you for a while to give you back up?

It can be scary, but don’t be taken in by his pleadings; tell him you’ve decided to move on and ignore his tears, which are purely manipulative. Don’t listen when he says he loves you, because his kind of love is not the sort you need.

Block his calls and if possible, change your locks. If you can’t afford the rent without him, go back home, or move in with a friend. Please be strong and don’t be deterred if you’re unsuccessful the first few times you try to finish with this man, who is probably married anyway.

You say he isn’t violent, but if there’s any hint of that, contact Women’s Aid or even the police.

It’s not easy and sometimes takes two or three goes but persevere. You need to be free of this guy.

For free and confidential domestic abuse support and information contact Woman’s Aid’s 24hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900. You can also message their instant messenger service, mornings and evenings, seven days a week or email them at [email protected].

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected]

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