Dear Alison,
I’m currently writing up my guest list for my wedding next year, in preparation for sending out save the dates, and I’m a bit torn over who to invite.
My partner and I want to keep our wedding relatively small, but I feel compelled to invite my university mates, even though we’re not as close as we once were. I’m mainly considering inviting them because I see them at parties and feel it would be awkward if I didn’t.
When I’ve spoken to mutual friends (who are going to be invited) about it, they’ve said I should just bite the bullet and ask them so as not to be rude.
I went to their pre-pandemic weddings, but we were better friends back then. I don’t know what to do – should I invite them out of politeness or leave them off the list?
And if the latter, how do I do it? Should I say something to them? Or wait for the inevitable uncomfortable conversation?
Thank you,
Tom
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Dear Tom,
Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding next year.
It is understandable to feel torn about your guest list, and typical for many couples who plan their wedding.
Your wedding day is ultimately about you and your partner. Therefore, the people you invite should be the most important to you both.
It is natural to feel obligated to invite people who have invited you to their weddings, but that does not mean you have to ask them to yours.
If you are not as close with your university friends as you once were, leaving them off the guest list is OK. Friendships can change over time, and just because you were once close does not mean you have to maintain the same level of closeness now or feel obligated to invite them to your wedding.
It is more important to prioritise the most important people for you and your partner and who you want to share your special day with.
If you invite people out of obligation or fear of confrontation, you will feel resentful.
People will always have an opinion, and you should not make your choices based on what other people will think.
The pandemic has shaken up the wedding industry (Picture: AKP Branding Stories)
If you decide not to invite them, it is up to you whether or not you want to say something.
You do not necessarily need to explain your decision to them. Instead, when you next cross paths, you can just let them know that your wedding will be a small and intimate affair, and unfortunately, you won’t be able to invite everyone you would like to.
You may have chosen a venue that can only cater for small and intimate weddings, restricting the numbers from running out of control.
The pandemic has shaken up the wedding industry – with many people feeling less obliged to stick to tradition, instead opting for a celebration that more reflects their values and preferences.
My mum and her friend Olive were bridesmaids at each other’s wedding many years ago. Olive’s daughter and I went to the same school and spent a lot of time together; so when she decided to get married a few years after graduating, I was asked to be her bridesmaid.
Fast forward 20 years, when I decided to get married, I felt a sense of obligation for a short time to ask her to my wedding.
But during those two decades we had hardly seen each other, only exchanging Christmas cards each year, and our lives had drifted apart.
So I did not invite her to our wedding or to be a bridesmaid – and I didn’t reach out to explain my decision to her. It didn’t alter things between us and I do not regret my choice.
It is important to remember that your wedding day reflects your and your partner’s love and commitment to one another by surrounding yourselves with those closest to you.
Do not let the opinions of others cloud your judgment, and trust that the people who genuinely care about you will support your decisions.
I wish you all the best as you plan your special day next year.
Find out more about Alison here: alisonriosmccrone.com; and find details of her wedding venue here: altskeith.com.
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If you invite people out of obligation, you will feel resentful.