My child was born without the virus (Picture: Emma McAnally)
‘It’s a boy!’ the midwife squealed.
I waited patiently as my son was bathed – he had only just entered the world in September 2018.
Once washed, the midwife wrapped my son in a blanket and brought him to me. ‘Do you have a name for him?’ she asked.
‘Finlay,’ I replied. As soon as she placed him in my arms, I had an overwhelming sense of relief.
This was a moment that I had dreamed of for most of my life and I cannot begin to explain how grateful I was that my baby boy had arrived safe and well.
As I held Finlay, I was aware that our first embrace would shortly be coming to an end as he was to be taken from me briefly for blood tests; the reason being I am a woman living with HIV.
At the time, I didn’t think his first bath – and me not being able to give it to him – was a big deal, however, I would later learn that this was an experience I had been denied due to my HIV status.
The World Health Organization actually advises to ‘delay the first bath for at least 24 hours’ after birth, but mine was washed because I’m living with HIV.
There was no doubt in my mind that his results would return confirming he was HIV negative, as I knew that because I was on medication there was almost zero risk of me transmitting the virus to Finlay.
Sure enough, he was born without the virus and that’s why the recent EastEnders storyline with Zack Hudson (James Farrar) and Whitney Dean (Shona McGarty) showcasing an HIV parenting plot is so important to me.
I decided to start taking medication to suppress my viral load (Picture: Emma McAnally)
I discovered I was HIV positive in October 2016.
When the doctor told me I was, I was in total disbelief as I never thought that this was something that would ever affect me.
However, the doctor reassured me that there was medication available that would allow me to live a normal, healthy life, that this would also mean that I would not be able to pass the virus onto others, that I would still be able to have children in the future and they would almost certainly not contract the virus.
I felt relieved about this, but also for my plans of becoming a nurse in the future. In fact, I was more concerned about the stigma and how others might react to my diagnosis.
Unfortunately, this stigma deeply affected me and at one point, I contemplated taking my own life. Thankfully, I didn’t go through with that.
My healthcare team gave me some time to get my head around my diagnosis and think about options for medication. I was given information on various drugs that were available to treat HIV and given time to research them and decide which one I felt was best for me – there was no rush for me to start this as they had discovered the virus in its early stages.
So I decided to start taking medication to suppress my viral load in December 2016 and tests showed soon after that it was undetectable.
Exactly one year later, my then-partner and I decided to start trying for a baby and sure enough, one month later – in January 2018 – I discovered I was pregnant.
Following my diagnosis, I had struggled with my mental health. I had experienced feelings of loneliness and isolation so the thought of becoming a mother filled me with so much joy and I was certain that welcoming a baby into the world would mean I would never feel lonely again.
During my pregnancy, I felt the best I had in many years – both mentally and physically. Carrying new life inside me filled me with hope and made me feel that I had something worth living for.
I had a healthy pregnancy and a vaginal birth with no complications.
Throughout it all, my healthcare team was supportive of my pregnancy, however, I did encounter a midwife who was opinionated about my wishes to breastfeed my baby. She did not think it was appropriate.
I faced stigma when I went into labour (Picture: Emma McAnally)
Despite reassurance from other healthcare professionals that there was almost no risk of me transmitting HIV to Finlay through breastmilk, I made the decision to bottle feed him. This was difficult for me to come to terms with and something I still feel guilty about to this day.
I also faced stigma when I went into labour.
I had requested to make use of a birthing pool for pain relief and was told that this wasn’t possible due to my diagnosis, despite me discussing this with my consultant beforehand and her reassuring me that there was no reason why I should not be granted one. After disputing this, the maternity staff reconsidered my request and, in the end, I was provided with a birthing pool.
Thankfully, since his birth, Finlay has gone from strength-to strength.
Then two years ago, I ended the relationship with my son’s biological father due to domestic abuse. I stayed with him for many years as I believed that I would never be able to have a relationship with another man due to being HIV positive.
However, after he was charged and sentenced with domestic assault, I knew I had to put this fear to one side as I did not want my son growing up in an abusive home and had resigned myself to living a life as a single mother.
But in early 2022, I met a man called Paul and we instantly became friends. After a few months of friendship, he asked me out on a date and it wasn’t long before we were in a romantic relationship.
It was really important for me that, when I eventually did enter a romantic relationship, I was open and honest about my status and that the person I was with also accepted that I was HIV positive.
After a couple of weeks of dating Paul, I felt that I wanted to open up to him about my status at the earliest opportunity so that I knew if this was going to be the right relationship for me.
Although I was slightly nervous about disclosing my status to Paul, I very much doubted he would reject me when I told him as I had already found him to be very empathetic and genuine.
As soon as I told Paul he was silent. I asked him if there was anything that he wanted to ask me but he shook his head and replied ‘I accept all of the things that I know and don’t know about you’. He could not have been more supportive or understanding.
I fell pregnant at the end of last year and Paul and I are expecting a baby together due to be born this summer. I have been lucky enough to have experienced another healthy pregnancy and, despite the challenges I faced during my first labour, I feel more empowered and positive about labour this time around.
My healthcare team has been incredibly supportive in light of my negative experience during my labour with Finlay and I could not ask for a more supportive partner in Paul.
It is important for people to know that people living with HIV – and who are on medication – cannot pass it on to sexual partners. This also means that we can have children who are born without it.
The stigma of the virus is a barrier to people being regularly tested. Therefore, it is important for people to know that you can live a normal life with this diagnosis – including being able to have children.
It’s important that storylines like that of Zack’s in EastEnders are given air time, as this allows information to reach a wider audience. And it’s crucial they work with experts like the HIV and sexual health charity, Terrence Higgins Trust, to get it right.
This is because there is still a lot of misinformation out there and many people who still have knowledge of HIV that is outdated and wrong.
The fact is, there is up-to-date information readily available online regarding the virus, however, most people would not think to go looking for this unless they had reason to.
In my case, I only thought to Google the symptoms when I was sitting in the reception of the sexual health clinic waiting to be tested.
Even then, I never thought that it would impact my life, as I’m sure other people have and will also believe. It can affect anyone and if everyone were to test regularly for it, the virus could be eradicated in the future.
Knowing your status means better health outcomes in the long term and it stops it being spread to others.
I am now on the countdown to the arrival of baby number two and, when my maternity leave ends next year, I will return to my work as a mental health nurse.
I am looking forward to Paul and I expanding our family with the arrival of our baby in June and watching Finlay becoming a big brother.
I also aim to continue to raise awareness about living with HIV and challenging stigma. I hope that, in doing so, I am able to witness – in my lifetime – a world free of new transmissions.
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I had a healthy pregnancy and a vaginal birth with no complications.
