I was a successful newsreader — then I had a panic attack live on TV

Vanessa was a news anchor for ITV (Picture: Magdalena Visual Artist)

‘I was in the middle of interviewing Vince Cable,’ remembers Vanessa Cuddeford. ‘I felt like I was choking, my face got redder and I couldn’t breathe. I started to cough and couldn’t stop.’

Despite being a seasoned professional, having worked for NBC News and the BBC, one day, with no warning, Vanessa had a panic attack live on national television.

‘I had thousands of hours of live TV experience under my belt,’ Vanessa, 44, tells Metro.co.uk. ‘But I suddenly became stricken by anxiety and panic attacks everytime I was about to go on air.’

After graduating from Oxford University in 2002, Vanessa studied journalism and became a television reporter. In 2009, she was offered the job of main news anchor for ITV in the West Country.

‘I had made my way up the ranks, had been a producer, then a reporter on local news, then news anchor,’ she says. ‘I was used to presenting the news, interviewing celebrities such as David Furnish and Russell Crowe, as well as politicians such as Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls.’

But in 2011, Vanessa began to struggle with panic attacks and anxiety at work.

She worked hard to climb to the top of her profession (Picture: Supplied)

‘Looking back, it wasn’t totally out of the blue,’ she says. ‘Things had got tricker at work with rumours of job cuts at the station. Suddenly, I felt like everyone was judging me, that my job was on the line and that’s when my anxiety started to rise.

‘Then I had this strange coughing fit live on air. A colleague had to take over from me because I couldn’t finish the interview. I was mortified.

‘And this spiralled into a worry that I would start coughing and choking again every time I went on TV.

‘I started to edit and cut my scripts so I could spend less time on camera. A couple of times I just called in sick because I felt too stressed to do my job.’

Desperate not to let anyone know what was happening, Vanessa became good at hiding at her anxiety. ‘But as I sat in my dressing room waiting to go on air, my heart was racing, I would get a red rash on my neck and I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins,’ she remembers.

‘My home life was affected. I would cry every Sunday night at the thought of going to work and I would dread coming home after my holidays. Every day, when I heard them count down into my earpiece, I just wanted to run away. But somehow, I would get through it by snapping into performance mode.’

Eventually, Vanessa turned to her husband for support, especially as he also worked in television. ‘He was sympathetic and a huge supporter of mine,’ she says. ‘He had always felt confident on camera. He’d try to remind me I was good at my job, and even helped me practice and role play off camera.’

Over the years Vanessa had strived to carve out her role in journalism – in a bid to climb to the top she’d done unpaid work placements, won a place on a highly competitive training scheme, and worked overtime and night shifts – but her anxiety made her feel like a failure.

She interviewed celebrities and politicians (Picture: ITV News)

‘I’d wanted to be a journalist since I was a school girl. I’d been inspired by a visit to my school by Kate Adie,’ she remembers.

‘I’d worked hard to finally win my dream job as a news anchor with my own show five nights a week – and now I felt like I might have to throw it all away and give it all up because the stress was taking such a toll.

‘I worried that I’d disappoint my family and myself by giving it up. I also didn’t know what else I could do! I’d only every been a journalist.’

When Vanessa got pregnant with her son, Felix, in 2011, she says she was relieved to be going on maternity leave. ‘I literally counted down the weeks,’ she says.

But, at home with her son, she was determined to get to the bottom of her anxiety. ‘I started to read self-help books, had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and worked with some professional speaker coaches. I spoke to colleagues in the industry and realised other people struggled with this too.’

During her maternity leave, she wanted to tackle her anxiety (Picture: Supplied)

Vanessa also began to get curious that others felt the way she did – and set off on a journey to cure herself.

She started by writing down her feelings. She says: ‘I was stuck in a loop of anxiety. I found myself obsessing over negative thoughts: “I am going to have another coughing fit, get everyone’s name wrong, go beetroot red”.

‘So I used the five-one technique in a morning journal. Every morning I would find five positive things to say about my performance, as well as noting one thing to improve.’

Vanessa created a new habit of keeping her journal as she drank her first cup of tea of the day. ‘It a simple technique but powerful,’ she says.

Next, once she had a healthier perspective, Vanessa challenged her thoughts and beliefs with a CBT exercise. ‘If a friend was afraid of the thing you were afraid of – what would you say to your friend? This question allows you to stand back and allow you to get more of a rational take on it.

Now, Vanessa helps others with their fear of public speaking (Picture: Magdalena Visual Artist)

‘You can counter that voice of fear with a kind, rational response and come up with a coping strategy.’

She also says changing her view on what others thought of her helped too.

‘I realised people are far less interested in you than you think they are, and then therefore less likely to notice if you fluffed your lines or blushed or coughed,’ says Vanessa.

‘I used to get lots of letters from viewers – some nice, some horrible. I realised that I didn’t know these people and it doesn’t matter whether someone likes me or dislikes me. They have no impact on my life or career.’

And finally, Vanessa chose to look at success in wider terms – rather than just a successful shift at work. ‘I would pan out and look at all the parts that make up who I am – a wife, mother, father, friend, child.

‘Look at what else you have in your life that’s outside your career that makes you who you.’

After having Felix and conquering her anxiety, Vanessa went back to TV presenting.

Her first shift after maternity leave was with NBC (Picture: NBC News)

‘My first shift back was as a freelance London-based reporter for NBC, as I didn’t want to go back full time work with a young baby,’ she explains. ‘It was arguably far more high profile than the job I’d left in local ITV news, as it was going out to a huge potential audience in the USA.

‘I felt the familiar butterflies in my stomach as I waited to go on air for a live report I was doing about a ship and its crew stranded in Antarctica. But this time, that adrenaline rush felt exciting and didn’t threaten to overwhelm me.

‘I was able to enjoy performing and felt tremendous satisfaction and a huge thrill afterwards that I’d done something that would have felt utterly terrifying months earlier. I simply wouldn’t have done it months earlier.’

And, she was so excited about the changes she’d been able to make, she started her own public speaking business on the side, to help others overcome their fears.

75% of people say public speaking is their greatest fear (Picture: Magdalena Visual Artist)

‘I was asked to do some presentations in companies about being a confident public speaker. Apparently, 75% of people cite the fear of public speaking as one of their greatest fears, with death being a close second! 

‘I realised that what had happened to me happened to a lot of people. My business grew and grew and I left the BBC in 2019 to work full time in my own business. 

‘I have loved my career in TV presenting but helping people to face their fear and become confident is much more fulfilling.’

For more information on Vanessa’s communication courses, visit her website.

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‘I felt like I was choking.’