He wiped the lipstick off my face — I didn’t know it was abuse

1 in 6 women say they have had a partner control whether or not they wear makeup (Picture: Avon)

‘He would say things like: “You’re so beautiful, you don’t need to wear makeup. You’re so natural.”

‘But then if I tried to wear a red lipstick, he would say, “That’s really not for you” and it would escalate to him holding me up against a wall and screaming in my face.

‘He would then wipe it off my face. I saw all of it as my fault.’

This is the harrowing account of abuse faced by Emma*, from Southern England, whose real name has been kept anonymous for her safety.

Speaking to Metro.co.uk, she says: ‘Things you don’t realise can be weaponised, can be.’

Research by Avon has found that nearly one in six women say they have had a partner control whether or not they wear makeup.

The brand’s research, polling 1,035 women in the UK, found that the occurrence of this gets higher the younger someone is: amongst 18 to 24 year olds, it rises to 22%.

Emma continues: ‘My ex-husband controlled every aspect of my life, from what I wore to who I could see, to controlling my money, what car I could drive, who I could talk to on the phone, and it obliterated my personality.

‘He felt that I should wear very little makeup. I’ve always been someone that wanted to look my very best, and he felt makeup did not make me look my best.’

Emma was in the relationship for eight years, and over that time her ex had the ‘power and control’. She says he would make out that he had her best interests at heart, and was looking out for her.

‘He was all charm and charisma, so it look my a long time during the relationship, and after I left, to realise this was coercive control and physical abuse, and that I did not deserve it,’ she says.

Emma is now working with Avon to support their research. The study also shared that over one in five women have witnessed their friend having their appearance influenced or controlled by a partner, with the highest incidence again among younger women, at 40%. 

Of all the women who had witnessed this, over a quarter said they didn’t take action as they didn’t think it was their place to, and a fifth didn’t know what to say.

Wearing makeup can be a positive experience for women overall, as 41% said wearing it makes them feel more confident and empowered. It is no surprise then, that abusers seek to take that confidence away.

For Hannah*, she didn’t realise that her boyfriend’s comments about her makeup were a form of control.

‘I used to love wearing red lipstick, it was very much “my thing”‘, she tells Metro.co.uk.

‘It made me feel glamorous, and put together – even if I hadn’t made much of an effort. I loved how I looked and felt when I wore it.’

But a comment from her ex shook her confidence. ‘We were on holiday, and he made an off-hand remark that he didn’t like the lipstick.

‘At that point, we’d been together for nearly four years, and he casually said, that he’d never been a fan, and preferred when I didn’t wear it.

‘By that point I was so used to him making digs, or “jokes” at my expense, that I didn’t think much more of it.’

It wasn’t until Hannah told her friends, that she realised how sinister his remarks had been. ‘I came back to work and told my colleagues and they were really shocked.

‘I was taken aback when they asked if I was okay, and how it was an awful thing to say.’

Now, Hannah is single and can see things more clearly. ‘I look back now and realise he spent a lot of our relationship trying to put me down, keeping my self-esteem at a place that he could manage.

‘I’m pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing when he made that comment. It said: “Don’t get too big for your boots, don’t get too cocky, I can bring you back down to Earth.”

‘Now, every time I put on some red lipstick, it’s a big two fingers up to him, and a reminder of how far I’ve come.’

To raise awareness of gender-based violence, Avon and global charity NO MORE have launched a new video, the ‘Reverse Makeup Tutorial’, which highlights the kind of abusive behaviour that can take place between partners when it comes to beauty.

The words in the video are based on real experiences of survivors of domestic violence, and signposts to where victims, friends and families can get help.

Experts say this behaviour is often part of or a precursor to physical violence.

Pamela Zaballa, CEO of NO MORE, said: ‘Makeup, often seen as a tool of beauty and empowerment, can be turned into a tool of control and degradation.

‘It’s critically important to challenge society to confront these issues head-on and take a stand against such heinous abuse.’

Angela Cretu, Avon’s CEO, added: ‘Everyone should have the right and freedom to choose how they want to style themselves and whether they want their partner to be part of those decisions. Makeup should be fun and empowering, a form of self-expression, style and confidence.’

Emma, who is now divorced and no longer in contact with her ex-partner, hopes that sharing her experience will help people realise how common coercive control is, be it in the form of controlling makeup, clothing, money, and other assets.

‘For anyone reading this who wants to put on makeup today but isn’t allowed to, you are not alone,’ she says.

‘I always thought I was – the shame and terror of what he would do to my family and friends kept me in that relationship.

‘I love makeup, I feel it enhances the beauty in my soul. Now, if I’ve had my makeup done and there’s a lot on, I can feel a little weird – all these years later, there is still an echo of that abuse.’

Avon works with charities around the world to provide services to women and girls impacted by emotional, verbal and physical abuse. You can go onto their website, or the NO MORE directory to find a list of organisations who can help.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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Nearly one in six women say they’ve had their partner control whether or not they were make up.