‘As soon as I wake up, I know that we aren’t starting the day until we’ve had sex’ (Picture: Metro.co.uk)
Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week, we hear from Amy, a 27-year-old journalist working in London, who’s in a relationship and identifies as bi/pansexual. Amy describes her personal relationship with sex as ‘like a fine wine, getting better with age’.
‘I love sex, in all its raucous glory, but my relationship with sex has and continues to be hindered by my BDD [body dysmorphic disorder], poor self esteem, anxiety and internalised patriarchal ideals of how heterosexual sex should be,’ she says.
‘But I’m working on it, and learning to focus on the joy of sharing pleasure with a partner, or myself.’
Amy’s been with her partner for over a year and enjoys their ‘fairly kinky and adventurous sex life’.
‘We’ve been to sex parties, and I’m now a “switch”; before him I was always the submissive one, but exploring domination in the bedroom has been a revelation in how much of a turn on it can be to be in (consensual) control of someone you trust, and to feel powerful and sexy when you rarely feel that in normal life,’ she says.
Throughout her twenties, Amy has become more confident in saying when something isn’t working for her.
‘It’s the bedrock of a healthy sex life,’ she says, ‘but there was a long time in my past when I wouldn’t speak up for myself.
‘I’d have BDSM/kink sex when I wasn’t in the mood, or struggle to say anything when I wasn’t enjoying something. My partner has really helped me to advocate for myself, and that’s been very healing.’
The couple are interested in opening up their relationship and exploring polyamory, but the apps feel like too much admin in their busy lives. For now, they’re excited about ‘going to more sex parties and exploring our queerness’. Here’s how Amy got on this week:
Monday
Today, we are both non-stop; with things to do, which sadly doesn’t include each other. We work during the day then head over to a friend’s house for their birthday dinner. We have a lovely time, sharing kisses and touches – but by the time we get home we are both too tired (and tipsy) to have sex.
In bed, we enjoy a long passionate kiss, cuddles and looking into each other’s eyes. The soppy stuff. I go to sleep content that I feel connected to him, no sex required..
Tuesday
I wake up feeling refreshed from a nice evening, with the slightest whiff of a hangover.
As soon as I wake up, I know that we aren’t starting the day until we’ve had sex. We jump in the shower, sharing deep kisses and feeling each other’s bodies, and return to the bedroom to finish off.
*Slightly* hungover sex is up there as one of our favourites – too hungover and you’ll be nauseous and panting within minutes, but just the right amount and you’ll feel mushy and loose, which is the perfect headspace for intimate sex.
Wednesday
Today, we get on with our own stuff before we head for a rock climbing session in the afternoon. It’s fun, we have a great time together…then have to part ways as we both have different commitments that evening. As soon as we leave each other, he messages me: “thinking about fucking you”. It’s a shame, he says, that we are both so busy when really he’d rather have gone home to see me on my knees in a steamy shower.
I love sexting him – It’s hot when you’re in public writing filthy things to each other without anyone knowing – but I can’t get into it tonight, I have a professional meeting that kills any sexy thoughts I had. By the time we get home, we are both ready to pass out.
Thursday
He’s off on an early train to spend the day with a friend in another city. Now, I’m someone who usually gets horny when I’m bored and alone, so on another day I might have spent some time with myself and my toys, and sent him a few pics to tease him. Today is not that day. I feel crushed by sadness, and sex is not even a blip in my mind. He sleeps over at his friend’s house, so I focus on giving myself some TLC that doesn’t involve an orgasm.
Friday
I woke up determined to shake my bad headspace, and have a good day, so I get on with work until my partner gets home around midday. We have a cuddle and catch up, and he suggests sex, but I need to crack on with my to-do list. I can’t resist for too much longer. I go into the living room where he’s curled up on the sofa, climb on top of him and say “So, when are you gonna give me some?”
I can still be very nervous and shy about initiating sex, so I sometimes turn it into a joke to mask how awkward I feel. Luckily, he loves it.
The sex is quicker than usual, but that’s not a bad thing. We were both just really turned on and couldn’t last long before climaxing.
That night, I stay over at a friend’s house. We send messages about missing each other.
Saturday
Our schedules are chockablock; his with a double work shift, me running around to complete some work and life admin before heading to a friend’s birthday party.
Luckily, we have an hour window where we will both be at home. Thanks, Universe. He asks me to dominate him, and I’m keen. I’m not feeling attractive though, so I slip into some PVC lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. It helps me to get into the headspace that I know I want to be in, and I enjoy telling him what to do – until I lose focus, because it feels so good and he wants to take charge now. It’s us at our best: oscillating between tender and rough, feeling playful and a little feral.
Sunday
On Sunday evening, he suggests a massage, and I gladly accept. He gets started, rubbing my back and I make a joke about being new to this massage parlour. We keep this jokey rapport going, until we are unexpectedly pretending I was cheating on my husband with this masseuse. I never thought I was into role play, so this is the first time I’ve tried it.
It was easygoing, we still cracked the odd joke or laugh during it, but we were both surprised by how much it turned us on. It was leg-trembling-eyes-rolling-back type of sex. Couldn’t have asked for a better way to finish the week off.
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My first role play experience was also a winner…