The contestants and the public were shocked to see 30-year-old Charlotte in the villa (Picture: ITV/Shutterstock)
At 35 years old I still consider myself very much approaching the hill, rather than over it. Wouldn’t anyone?
When I was 30, I had no mortgage, child or dog and still felt like an adult-child in the prime of life – with zero responsibility outside of work.
I dove straight into the dating pool, albeit without much success, but at no point did I feel like my single status was because I was a dinosaur.
Well, according to this year’s Love Islanders and a terrifying amount of the show’s fans, I am just that – and have been for at least five years.
On Monday night, Love Island welcomed this series’ oldest contestant in 30-year-old Charlotte Sumner.
Initially, I was pleasantly surprised because almost-all previous female islanders have been firmly routed in their 20s.
Charlotte came strutting into the villa alongside Leah Taylor, both the epitome of bombshells.
Three boys – Mitchel Taylor, Zachariah Noble, and Tyrique Hyde – were handpicked by the new arrivals to whip up a three-course dinner between them, a Love Island tradition in the second week of the show.
All three of their mouths fell to the floor at the sight of the new bombshells.
Mitch even declared that he’d ‘forgotten all about Molly [Marsh]’ after becoming unnervingly besotted by her in record time for Love Island; even if that was literally him bringing her up again unprompted.
I was baffled when Zach commented on Charlotte’s teeth (Picture: ITV/Shutterstock)
Tyrique’s eyes looked like they could literally pop out of his head and if Zach could visibly express anything other than being too smooth for his own good, then I’m sure you could tell he felt the same.
Over dinner, the inevitable ‘how old are you?’ came up. After telling Charlotte he was 24, she told him she was 30. His response, I kid you not, was: ‘You don’t look 30 though. You’ve got nice teeth.’
What does he think will happen to his teeth in six years time when he hits 30? Does he think he’ll have to get dentures?!
Just to stress that he’s still definitely attracted to her at 30, he later added: ‘You look good though.’
When she told Mitch that she was marginally closer to being in a nursing home than he is by all of three years, he too responded with: ‘Are you actually? You look amazing.’
Leah is three years younger than Charlotte, at 27, and was told by Zach that ‘it’s nice to have an older girl in here’.
Watching on from the roof terrace, the girls were clearly panicked by the presence of ‘older’ women.
‘I think they’re both hot and I think they’re both going to have game,’ whispered Whitney, emphasis on ‘game’.
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Charlotte agreed: ‘Yes, because they’re older women, they’ve got experience. They know how men work.’
Personally, I had as much ‘game’ as Superbad’s McLovin at 30.
As for knowing how men work? Pah. At 35, I know more about last weekend’s Champions League final than I do about men and I’m telling you now that is absolutely nothing.
I wasn’t suddenly struck with the sexual wisdom and prowess of Sex and The City’s Samantha Jones when I hit 30.
After feeling a little bit sick at their responses to these ‘older women’, one of which is almost a decade younger than me, I turned to Twitter assuming most people would be watching with the same despair.
I was wrong. So wrong.
Instead, the consensus was: ‘30????? On love island??? Is everything ok my beloved sister?’ and ‘30 years of age and finding yourself on love island is mental,’ as if it was totally absurd to be single and childless when hitting the big 3-0.
Ultimately, a lot of us in our 30s are still as far from being prepared for being an adult as we were 10 years ago. We don’t have our lives ‘sorted out’ – we’re not married, with kids and a house with a white picket fence.
Comments about Charlotte on Twitter were grim (Picture: ITV/Shutterstock)
Granted, for several reasons, I’m not the demographic to go on Love Island.
I’m taken (but only after getting my first boyfriend at 35), I’m gay which as we know from its producers has its ‘logistical difficulties’, and there’s more chance of me becoming the first openly gay man to walk on the moon than there is of me ever getting an ab.
But Davide Sanclimenti was 28 when he won Love Island last year – so why should Charlotte not be under the impression a similar man would be in there for her this year?
Regardless, if she’s into 24-year-old Tyrique too, a six-year age gap isn’t exactly eye-opening.
Later this year Davina McCall will be launching My Mum, Your Dad, which has been billed as the ‘middle-aged Love Island’ for older parents looking for love.
So where are the rest of us in our thirties who don’t want to get married at first sight, or propose to someone after chatting to them behind a wall supposed to turn to for our reality TV romance?
I welcome Love Island throwing thirties and over into the villa with open arms. Maybe if my partner leaves me and they suddenly allow shapeless gay men to apply for Love Island I’ll join Charlotte in trying my luck in Majorca, too.
But please, for anyone 29 and under who comes into contact with someone who’s reached the next decade, please don’t be shocked that they have all their teeth and are actually still young.
And for everyone watching at home, if in a couple of years’ time you’re 30, single and ready to turn to a TV show to find love, just remember how you slated Charlotte for doing the same thing.
Trust me, it will feel like yesterday.
Love Island continues tonight at 9pm on ITV2.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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After feeling a little bit sick at their responses to these ‘older women’, one of which is almost a decade younger than me – the reaction on Twitter was even worse.